By the time you're done reading this book you'll probably think that I'm one sick and twisted freak. You might be right. However, only by having those dirty, filthy and twisted thoughts, like the ones in my head, you will ever have a shot at great sex. Otherwise, you sex life will sooner or later be reduced to a once-a-week quickie in a missionary position just barely fitting it into your schedule between watching the rerun of "Friends" and walking your dog. Freaks are the artists of sex. They think of the most creative and genius ways to excite one's sexuality and they are good at it.
I used to think that everybody loved sex. But I was wrong. Turned out most people don't. They like it, but don't LOVE IT. For most people sex is on the same level of necessity as shopping or watching TV - they do it when they need or want it, but don't put too much effort or excitement into it. They don't look for it too hard and if they find it - they don't need it to be anything more than a simple way to get off. For them - it's a simple release of a physical need.
People who LOVE sex, however, have more than a physical need. Their needs are also must be met on a psychological level. They need their orgasms to be a piece of art and everything that leads up to them has to be a carefully crafted journey.
I feel sorry for those who do not take advantage of the pleasure that human sexuality can bring to them. It's like buying a Mercedes-Benz and then keeping it in the garage for the rest of its lease. I know that many people have their own reasons for never developing their sexual appetite or creativity - some have been suppressed by their culture or religion or upbringing, and some have just never been put in a situation where they could explore or learn about their sexuality. But, for crying out loud, people - don't you ever get horny out of your mind? If not - shouldn't it be a medical condition? I mean isn't it possible that some people just don't have enough hormones in their blood stream to get horny enough? Shouldn't that be treated?
Every one of us has a freak hidden somewhere deep inside. Some have it murdered by suffocation and nothing will help them bring it back. Some have found it, woke it up and started having the best sex of their lives. And others don't even know it exists. They may never find out about it, or they may never figure out how to bring it out of them. But those are the people who still have hope for the best sex they've ever had in their entire miserable lives.
I'll give you a great example from my own experience. About a year ago I have met a nice conservative Chinese girl who at the age of 25 has only had sex with only one guy. No, not one guy in that particular year - I mean EVER! Usually what attracts a nice girl like her to a perverted freak like me is the fact that I'm so much the opposite of what she ever thought about sex that she just has to try it. Have you ever seen a Discovery channel where mother bird calls loudly to its unborn hatchlings to wake them up so they can break through their eggs' shells to see the light? Much like that, the freak inside of her started to wake up as my "voice" ( or whatever the kids are calling it these days ) has started to reach deep down in her sexually repressed mind.
She turned out to be amazing in bed. Besides the fact she had a great body, she was really into it. I wasn't fucking her - she was fucking me! She was so into it that even with all of my house windows closed - we were still afraid that neighbor will call police reporting domestic violence in progress. Man, she was loud! We fucked everywhere! In my house, in my car, on an empty parking lot, in bathrooms at parties - I mean everywhere! We have gone like this for about half a year. And even though the sex was great I felt like she was still holding back. She would still be too embarrassed to talk dirty to me, and she was still a little tame at times. I kept asking her if there were any fantasies and desires that she would like us to explore to have her totally let go and have the best sex she could possibly have. However, she kept insisting that this was the best it could ever be for her!
I was not convinced. I have not seen that freak make its way completely out of her and I was right. One night when we were fucking like there was no tomorrow I have decided to use a trick that I used in the past to see if a girl has complete trust in me while we're in bed. What I do is at one point I hold her down with my hand by the chest. Most girls like that. But then my hand starts sliding up and ends up almost on her neck. If a girl still doesn't feel too comfortable with you - she'll let you do that but will put her hand over yours, so she can still control your movement as your hand is very close to such vulnerable area as the neck. ( You have to be careful with girls who have been rape or abuse victims - never hold them down in any way - that brings up some fucked up memories and it's all over! ). This girl had no problem with me doing that and as my hand made its way to her neck she threw her hands up in total submission. Usually that's the end of the test and we return to the regularly scheduled fucking.
However, this girl had an emergency broadcast system test of her own. Before I had a chance to slide my hand back down to her chest she said something that I wasn't prepared to hear: "Choke me, baby!". "What?" I asked in shock. "Choke me. Just a little, OK?". I was weirded out but decided to do what she asked. I pinned her down by her neck gently but with some pressure. And, oh my God! The freak was out! A girl who has never said a word during sex no matter how much I begged her started dishing out the filthiest dirty talk I've ever heard. "Pump my wet pussy like a slut that I am!", she screamed. I was as much excited as I was surprised. We ended up having the roughest sex I've ever had with me choking her, grabbing her by her hair and shoving her face into the bed while a stream of filthiest and at the same time sexiest dirty talk was pouring out of her mouth. She came so hard that she lost her hearing for about fifteen minutes and couldn't hear what I was saying to her. She also got so weak in her knees that she fell right on her ass as she tried to get off the bed to go to the kitchen to get something to drink.
Now how the hell did all this happen? Did she have no clue that this kind of sex ( which is basically a rape fantasy role playing ) was her thing? Was some brain cell that had this fantasy bottling up inside of it never activated? Was that not on a list of all the dirtiest and filthiest things that I've proposed we do in bed? I asked her these questions and she said "no" to all of them. I guess it took an accidental and unrelated move on my part to trigger something deep inside of her to come out on the surface and explode in this unpredictable fetish.
So, if a good conservative Chinese girl can dig out her rape fantasy and have the mind blowing ( almost literary ) orgasms as a result of it, do you think you may want to search for that freak inside of you just to see if it's still alive? I have found mine! And I'll tell you all about him in the next few chapters.
Ludacris was right! "We want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed". And it's true! Most guys want a girl who is sweet and adorable outside of the bedroom and a complete slut inside of one. A kind of a girl who'll wear a nice long skirt to properly cover up her legs when going to visit your parents for dinner. Yet have a little piece of her thong sticking out of it to remind you of all the dirty things she'll want you to do to her underneath that skirt once you're back home.
The fact is the word "slut" is not longer a bad word. What's so bad about being sexually free, knowing how to satisfy your man, and showing off your body? For some girls not being called a "slut" in a heat of a moment in bed could actually get them offended. And it's not like the definition of the word has changed. It never has. It's just men came to realize that they would rather have a girl who loves sex and knows what she's doing in bed than a girl whose wildest sexual encounter was masturbating in the living room to Mr. Big on the episode of "Sex and the City".
Every girl wants to be a slut for her man in one way or another. Look at the way girls dress now days. Low cut jeans that show off their butt cracks, lower back tattoos that draw attention to those very butt cracks, low cut tops that leave very little to imagination, belly rings, tongue rings, and so many other accessories in today's sexy girl's arsenal. Clothes that used to be considered slutty are now daily ware for most women. For example, a decade ago only hookers used to wear boots and mini-skirts. Now when you see a girl wearing it in a club - you're thinking "This is not a church, girl! Wear something sexy for crowing out loud!" When I meet a girl and we start dating, I always ask her if she'd like me to suggest some outfits for her to wear when we're going out ( or staying in ). Most girls gladly accept the offer and take my suggestions, which as you probably could tell are never conservative. A girl knows that if she wears what her guy thought up for her - she is guaranteed to know that she looks great for him and that'll make her night.
When I meet a girl and the conversation steers towards how many sexual partners we both had in the past, I always hope her number is in double digits. Of course, there is a limit to everything and I don't want her number to equal to the population of a small country. However, if a girl only had a hand full of partners - I know it's very likely ( though there are some exceptions ) there is nothing that she can possibly do that'll even closely satisfy a freak like me in bed. She just hasn't had enough experiences to learn how to satisfy her man, and probably even how to truly satisfy herself. Leaving a light on during sex could be as "freaky" as she's willing to get in bed.
As many of my friends find out more about me and the horny bastard that I am, they start asking questions and, in some cases, advice. When that happens I feel very weird and honored at the same time. I feel like their own personal Dr. Ruth ( but with much cuter ass ). One of the people who has recently approached me for some advice was a friend of mine and his wife. Most of the time when people ask sex advice the answer to their problems is usually whether divorce, Viagra or a threesome. Not in this case. The complaint actually came from the wife and she was pretty upset about the fact that her husband wasn't treating her like a slut in bed. When I asked what it is that she wanted him to do, she said that she wanted to be taken in the dirtiest filthiest way on the back of their car. She wanted him to just push her inside of it while they were coming from a party or some other event and fuck her without even pulling down her skirt.
I'm not gonna bore you with the rest of the conversation that we had that night, but the point is that much like this stay home mom, many girls want to be taken in a dirty way by their guys and feel like sluts while doing it. The reasoning is different for everybody. Some girls want to be "that girl in the porn video that he watches all the time", some girls just like to feel that their sexually attractive, some girls want to cater to their man's needs and fantasies, and some girls just have dirty dirty minds on their own. Those are the girls that I personally love to be with. They are usually up to any dirty fantasy that you think up for them, or they can come up with a few of their own.
This one girl that I started to date was becoming more of a fuck buddy than a girlfriend. We both knew it and were both OK with it. Sex was too good to do anything else outside of the bedroom ( except for an occasional trip to the pharmacy to get more condoms ). We have only fucked a couple of times, but I could see that she was a little freak. We didn't get to the stage of me calling her a slut in bed yet. I'm still usually pretty careful with that word as not all girls like it ( some prefer to be called "whores" or "bitches" ). One day she was coming to my place for our third session of dirty monkey sex as she's text messaged me that she was running a little late. That was fine, but I decided to take an opportunity to use the "s" word to see how she felt about it. So, my text message back to her was "ok but b ready to get fucked like a dirty slut when u get here". I pressed SEND and waited anxiously for a reply. She got back to me with "and a dirty slut u shall get". Yes!!! She was perfect! And I was gonna live up to my word too. As soon as she showed up at my place and I've opened a door to her, I didn't even let her say "hi". I just grabbed her and pinned her against the wall while my hand slipped under her skirt and worked its way up to her already wet pussy. Then I turned her around and pushed her down onto my couch, lifted up her skirt, pushed her thong to the side and shoved my cock inside of her. Then I've continued having my dirty way with her without saying a word. Later, she told me that it was the hottest thing anybody has ever done to her.
One thing I'm still not sure of though. Are women now enjoy putting effort into catering to their men's sexually more than before, or are women minds are becoming as sexual and dirty as men's minds are? The funny thing is not only that I'm not sure about which one it is, I'm not even sure if I care either way.
You know how people say that they believe in "love at first sight"? And you know how the rest of the people think that those who believe in that are just hopeless idealist losers? Well, fuck them ( and I don't mean it in a good way )!
Of course, nobody falls in love literarily at first sight. However, an attraction that leads to the greatest love between two people will always be physical first. If you meet a girl and she has to "grow on you" before you start to like her - that means that you have reached a new low and decided to compromise what you were really looking for in order to make her appealing to you. Whether that or you're drunk off your ass and there is not much light in the room. The stronger the initial attraction - the bigger the possibility of it ever developing into something more. You're more likely to even have a conversation if you just saw someone who has stunned you with their presence and the feeling is mutual. When that moment of the initial fascination happens - you really don't give a shit on how you actually get close. Both of you just want to rush to each other and the rest is chemistry, and I don't mean the one with beakers ( unless you're kinky like that ).
I know you'll probably say "this shit only happens in movies". Well, I suppose that's true - it does happen in movies. But only because those movies were made by those who had it happened to them. And only because those are the moments that are worth having a movie made about it. No one is going to make a movie about you and your co-worker who are dating only because she works in the same building, and sex at lunch in the car on the parking lot is so convenient that you've decided to give up on what feels right and settle for what comes ( no pun intended for once ) easy.
The tricky part is that you never know when you'll have that "at first sight" moment. You can't create it. You can't look for it. You can't force it. As a matter of fact the more you look for it - the more it'll evade you. But when you're not looking - it'll sneak up on you. It'll happen exactly at the time when you're not expecting it.
Just last week, I was at the party to which I went only because driving an hour in traffic to it was less painful than listening to bunch of my friends whining about how I should go, hang out with them and have fun. I was in a shitty mood and I knew it wasn't gonna be fun. The party was mainly for the white European community and since I am currently totally into Asian women I knew there wasn't much for me to do there anyway. The party was just about over and I needed to make a phone call to wake up a friend whom I promised a ride home before he passed out in his own puke under a bar stool. I stepped outside to make that phone call as I've noticed this very beautiful Asian girl standing there and smiling at me. What are the chances of an Asian girl somehow ending up at a Russian party? I was gonna think how slim of a possibility that was, but by then I simply didn't have enough blood left in my brain to come up with an answer as it all rushed into my "other brain" which never gave me any answers at all.
My friend picked up the phone on the other end of the line. However, before I took my eyes off of her, she winked at me and leaned forwarded like she was going to say something to me. I was intrigued. I hung up the phone ( I can always make new friends ), came up to her and started some small talk about… uh, who the fuck gives a shit? We just wanted to meet each other and neither one of us was paying attention to what the other one was saying anyway as we were shamelessly staring at each other. The attraction was strong on both sides and we have started to act like we have been dating forever. We were flirting like hell as her hands were rubbing my arms up and down while my hands found their way to the curve of her beautiful waste. I started playing with her hair and she started running her fingers through mine. It progressed so fast that before I knew it her lips have reached up to mine and have ignited a long beautiful and passionate kiss.
We could have stayed there forever kissing in each other's arms, but it was harder and harder to do with a big security guy's nightstick in my back as he was trying to push everyone off of the property. Once we've untangled our tongues and were pushed outside I saw my friend whom I had to give a ride back home to, so I had to say goodbye to my new acquaintance after getting her number. Once we were in the car, I told my friend how amazing it was to meet this girl and how strong our chemistry was right away. I said "I can't wait to call her tomorrow and take her out for a romantic evening". To which he said "Would you really want to have a romantic relationship with a girl who just jumped at you at a party like this?". That question took me back for a second, but then I said "Yes!" Of course, I would. As a matter of fact this is the only way I'd prefer it to happen.
I called her next day as soon as I woke up. I asked her if she wanted to go out that same night. She told me she had plans, but I knew that if she was into me as much as I was into her - she'd find a way to get out of them. She did. We had a beautiful evening together. It was like in a movie. I don't know where this will take us. Just because we had that "at first sight" moment - it doesn't mean it'll grow into love, but it did create a possibility of it. Maybe both of us will be just fine with the dirty kinky sex that we had all night and realize it was just a fling and we'll never see each other again, or maybe we'll be naming our first child in a few years as we move to Napa Valley. Who knows. But that magic "at first sight" moment that I had with her I'll remember forever no matter what'll happen in the future. Those are the moments that I live for.
When you want something to be done right - you gotta do it yourself. Getting the best orgasm possible is no different. Think about it. You're in total control. Your filthy mind is exploring any twisted sex scenario that comes to your mind at that time. No one to take to dinner and a movie first, no one to tell you to go slow, no spot to look for between her cat and her beloved plant to land your supportive leg on.
Most women whom I've asked about this told me exactly the same thing: they get their best orgasms by themselves. I know this doesn't exactly compliment my love making skills, but I'll take what I can get to prove my point here.
You know, how they always tell you that the best sex is with someone you love? Well, I don't know anybody who I love more than my-beautiful-self. That's why I know how to get myself off in the best way possible. However, just because I found yourself naked in the shower in the middle of the day with my dick in one hand and a shampoo bottle in the other doesn't mean I'm gonna get my best orgasm.
As I've learned over the years, the perfect orgasm requires a lot of work. First, I had to understand what a perfect orgasm for me was. Can you, my horny reader, define it? Have you ever had it? I have! Not very often though. Those best ones don't come ( pun intended ) more often than once a month or so. And keep in mind that a pervert like me jerks off at least twice a day. I need to have an orgasm before I get out of the house just so I won't crash my car into a poll while looking at a cute girl inside of the McDonald's that I'm passing by on my way to work.
Basically the best orgasm is where your mind gets so wrapped up in the intense pleasure that it completely ceases to perceive its surroundings. It should simply get, for the lack of the better medical term, retarded. I don't mean any disrespect to the special folks out there, but that's just the only way to describe it. You should be in the state of the complete happiness which one can only achieve by that type of a carefree state of mind. Nothing should exist during that moment. Not your mortgage, not your kids, or work, or bills. Nothing! Your perfect orgasm should temporarily infect you with the down syndrome. You should loose track of time, perception of reality, control over your body, and anything that connects you to this world. You should even look like someone with a down syndrome when you're having that orgasm. Don't believe me? Look at yourself in the mirror when you're having one! See? I told you!
Can you achieve that state of mind? Can you really get that perfect orgasm? I strive to do that every day of my life. There are a lot of technicalities and details to worry about not to screw it up. I know that no matter what I do it should involve as little of my muscle strength as possible. Every muscle that is working while I'm getting to my perfect O is on the way of it. You know what I do not to cum too quickly when I'm fucking a new girl for the first time? I'm doing her standing up first. Why? Not because it feels better, or because I can see her tits shake right in front of me, or because that's how I left her after I ate her to her orgasm. No. It's because when I'm standing up most of muscles in my body are working and that is getting on the way of me cumming. Great technique when you're with a woman - horrible technique when you're with yourself. So, I had to pick a position where the least of your effort was going to working my muscles.
I'm also always sure that I'm in a safe undisclosed location ( much like our vice-president ). I always need to make sure not to be worried about my mom or my sister, or even my cat walking in on me. Some of you, twisted mother fuckers, like to masturbate in places where you can be walked in on or watched - that adds excitement to your fantasy. Fine - go for it! However, don't ask me to borrow money for the therapy that you'll need when your mom will actually does walk in on you and sees your sweaty ass up in the air making hot monkey love to your animal-self.
I do a lot of other things that help me worry about as few things as possible when I'm actually having my orgasm. I make sure to roll up my eyes all the way back, so the pressure that I feel from within when I'm cumming won't have to bother me with keeping my eyes closed tight so they won't pop out of my head. I also tilt my head a little to the side, so the blood flow to my brain is limited yet the flow out of my brain is at its full bandwidth. Orgasms are always stronger when your brain is oxygen hungry.
Most importantly - I think of the filthiest and dirtiest scenario that turns me on the most. It's usually something I know I won't get to do in real life. I know I won't get arrested for it, I won't have to publicly apologize for it later, and I won't have to wonder what that weird rash on my dick is the next day. So, if I want to fuck my neighbor's wife bareback while she's making out with my school teacher in the middle of my boss's office at 4 AM - I just close my eyes and look: here they all are! But once I'm done - I better come to my senses and ask myself three simple questions: Where am I? Why is my chin wet? And, where is that donkey? If I know an answer to any of those questions - I've fucked up. Rinse and repeat! But if I got it - I know better enjoy the moment. That's what I live for after all - "the great O"!
I know you probably think that sex is by far my number one priority in life. Close! But wrong. It's taking the number two seat to my number one priority which is my health. If I don't have my health - I can't have good sex. Besides the fact that I don't want to die by slow roasting death like AIDS, I also don't want any disgusting rashes or formations on my dick. I used to think that everybody else doesn't want any of that either, but as it turned out I was way off! I find that I'm pretty much the only guy who whether knows or cares about not getting those nasty STDs.
People say that they care about staying disease free. They say they use protection and that they do tests, and blah, blah, blah. But as soon as I ask them a couple of questions on the subject it turns out that they really don't know shit about any of it and even less about how to protect themselves from it. It seems that by the time they were teaching safe sex at school everyone was already too busy screwing each other to listen to the lecture.
Let's get something straight: using condoms just for the intercourse is not enough! I'm sorry if I just shocked some of you. And if I did - I think you should stop reading immediately and get yourself to the closest free clinic. Using condoms is a must. However, there are a lot of different ways how you can get some nasty shit even if you are using condoms. You can get it if you take your condom off incorrectly, you can get it from the skin contact around the condom, you can get it from giving or receiving oral. Most people don't know that they can get any of those nasty things by simply going down on someone.
As I read some studies about stuff like herpes, I couldn't believe that most of them stated that majority of the people who had herpes didn't know about it! How the fuck does that happen? Are people too fat now days to see their own pussies and dicks? And even if they are - aren't they wondering why they are scratching down there every other second? I know people who make a hobby out of making their backyard lawn into a perfect smooth and silky piece of art. They spend tons of money on devices to cut it, then more money on shit to water it. And the only ones who get to ever use it are their dogs for the bathroom and their obnoxious kids for the playground. Yet those people do not care what's going on on their own genitals?
And then there is nasty shit like HPV. Which is the virus that brings you genital warts. The problem is that not only it covers your genitals in warts it also causes cervical cancer in many women. Now I don't care how much you love to fuck - no orgasm is worth it.
Then people say "I just did the test! I'm clean. So, let's fuck bareback". Back that hormone train up, buddy! That's not exactly true in most cases. Most STDs, much like a lot of other diseases, are not detectible in your blood or urine until at least a month after getting into your body. So, the results of your test are only as good as at least a month before it. So, if you've picked something up in between - you're one walking bio-hazardous mother fucker, and you should use two condoms ( preferably over your head ) just to talk to me.
Also, what's up with those guys who can't fuck with condoms on? "It's like behind a brick wall", they say. Are you fucking kidding me? If the most sensitive part of your body looses its erection just because a thinnest piece of gentle rubber is put over it - you've got a major problem. Especially with all different kinds of condoms that are lubricated, self-heated and ultra thin! Unless your dick has a turtle shell around it - there is no excuse for your whining.
Also, many times the "test" is not really the test! I found it the hard way, but caught it in time. When I have multiple sex partners I do my test every 6 months or so. This time I went to a new doctor and request the same standard "full panel STD test". Now when I hear "full panel STD test" ( and I know it may sound crazy, but bare with me here ) I assume that all of the possible STDs that can be detected in my blood and urine will be tested for. And even if it's not what that means any doctor would suggest that I would test for everything possible while I'm at it. Not this doctor. Since I told him that I didn't think I was directly exposed to any STDs recently, he was talking me out of getting the test. But when I've insisted, he did not really know what the "full panel STD test" was. I had to explain it to him, which didn't really help as he just wrote "full panel STD test" on the lab order paper and sent me on my way. The lab technician had to dig deep in their pre-historical computer to figure out what the "full panel STD test" meant. Finally, she has figured it out and I was on my way.
I called for the results in a couple of days and everything came back negative. Which is a "positive" thing, so I really hate how they use the term. I would have been a happy camper if a girl who I was dating at that time didn't ask me for an actual written proof of my health before she would fuck me. The last time I had to bring written proof of anything it was from my mom to my gym teacher. It was a little weird, but I requested the written copy of my results since I did want to fuck that girl really badly. To my and my blue balls' surprise the results were only for the 3 main STDs and nothing more. As I went back to the doctor it turned out that the "full panel STD test's" panel wasn't really that full. I couldn't believe that I had to educate my doctor on the fact that many other diseases like herpes, etc. are STDs too and should be tested for as part of the full panel test. I actually had to have the previous results faxed to him so he could figure out what I had to be tested for and which cup I had to pee in.
I know it's a little bit awkward, but I have learned how to find out if a new girl that I'm dating is a safe material or not. I basically make it into a fun "this is your sex life" game ( I wish it would come in a board game edition, but apparently it doesn't ). I try not to make it sound like an FBI style interrogation though. I make it sound fun and spread those questions into several bigger scaled conversations. I usually ask her questions about her previous sexual experiences making it sound like I'm encouraging her to brag about how wild she really is. Though I am usually interested in that too, my main goal is to find out if she is as safe as she is wild. I make unsafe sex sound cool and then see if she's cool with it too. I try to ask questions in a way where the "correct" answer sounds negative and she has to look like a bad guy to say it - that means I might be getting an honest answer. So, I don't ask questions like "Do you use condoms when you fuck?" Very few girls would admit to that. I ask my questions in a different way like "Do you use condoms all the time or do you trust your partner?" That way she has to sound like she is not a trustful person in order to tell me she always uses condoms. But if she is willing to say that - she is probably telling me the truth.
Though I never stop on just one or two little "tests" before I start believing she is safe. There are many other ways how I can have a girl admit to not being safe in the past. I, also, usually hint to her that I have done an STD test recently and see if she asks more about the results ( or even a written proof of it ). If she does - that means she is just as concerned about it as I am. Some girls would even ask for it before I even start this conversation.
I, also, ask if she has ever tested for Herpes I and II and then ( in a different conversation, of course ) I ask her if she has ever had a cold sore on her lip when she had a flu before. If she says "yes" to both - then she's lying. Because cold sores on the lips is what Herpes I is. ( By the way, Herpes II is the "bad" kind, which is also called "genital herpes"; and about 80% of all people have Herpes I ).
There are many other ways how I try to learn more about my potential sex partners' safety. Of course, I will never know for sure. However, I make all of the possible attempts to be relatively certain that I'm not putting myself at risk just because my blue balls are telling me so.